Hyper Leo

Quotes & Inspirational Sayings

img

101 Funny Steven Wright Quotes With Images

/
/
/
6 Views

Steven Wright is an American stand-up comedian, writer, actor, and Oscar winning film producer. He was born in Massachusetts in December 6, 1955. He was featured in a list of 50 greatest Stand-up comedians by Rolling Stone. He is famous for ironic humor and deadpan delivery. Following is the collection of Steven Wright quotes for our readers.

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
Steven Wright

“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
Steven Wright

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
Steven Wright

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
Steven Wright

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
Steven Wright

“If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
Steven Wright

“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.”
Steven Wright

“I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.”
Steven Wright

“You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment? I’m like that all the time.”
Steven Wright

“It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.”
Steven Wright

“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”
Steven Wright Quotessteven wright quotes and sayings
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Steven Wright

“What’s another word for thesaurus?”
Steven Wright

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
Steven Wright

“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
Steven Wright

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
Steven Wright

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
Steven Wright

“You cant have everything. Where would you put it?”
Steven Wright

“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
Steven Wright

“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the
road an hour.”
Steven Wright

“They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.”
Steven Wright Quotes

“Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.”
Steven Wright

steven wright quotes and sayings
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
Steven Wright

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
Steven Wright

“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
Steven Wright

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”
Steven Wright

“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
Steven Wright

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
Steven Wright

“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.”
Steven Wright

“I just lost a buttonhole.”
Steven Wright

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
Steven Wright

“I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.”
Steven Wright

“Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.”
Steven Wright

steven wright quotes and sayings
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
Steven Wright

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
Steven Wright

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.”
Steven Wright

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
Steven Wright

“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”
Steven Wright

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
Steven Wright

“My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.”
Steven Wright Quotes

“I bought a cheap piece of land… It was on someone else’s property.”
Steven Wright

“I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.”
Steven Wright

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”
Steven Wright

“I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are
furious!”
Steven Wright

steven wright quotes and sayings
“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
Steven Wright

“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”
Steven Wright

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?”
Steven Wright

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”
Steven Wright

“You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.”
Steven Wright

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.”
Steven Wright

“I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.”
Steven Wright

“I have a map of the United States… Actual size. It says, ‘Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.’ I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, ‘E6.”
Steven Wright

“Hermits have no peer pressure.”
Steven Wright

“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”
Steven Wright

quotes from steven wright
“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”
Steven Wright

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”
Steven Wright

“Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”
Steven Wright Quotes

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”
Steven Wright

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
Steven Wright

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday.”
Steven Wright

“The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.”
Steven Wright

“Is ‘tired old cliché’ one?”
Steven Wright

“Does fuzzy logic tickle?”
Steven Wright

“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.”
Steven Wright

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”
Steven Wright

quotes from steven wright
“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”
Steven Wright

“Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”
Steven Wright Quotes

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
Steven Wright

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”
Steven Wright

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”
Steven Wright

“I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.”
Steven Wright

“Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.”
Steven Wright

“You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.”
Steven Wright

“I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”
Steven Wright

“I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.”
Steven Wright

“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”
Steven Wright

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”
Steven Wright

“Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?”
Steven Wright

“I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of widths.”
Steven Wright

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.”
Steven Wright

“I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn’t have to go so fast.”
Steven Wright

quotes from steven wright
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
Steven Wright Quotes

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.”
Steven Wright

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”
Steven Wright

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”
Steven Wright

“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
Steven Wright

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
Steven Wright

“Women. Can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em.”
Steven Wright

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”
Steven Wright

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”
Steven Wright

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said ‘pet supplies.’ So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, ‘Compact cars.”
Steven Wright

“Is it possible to be totally partial?”
Steven Wright

quotes from steven wright
“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”
Steven Wright Quotes

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
Steven Wright

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”
Steven Wright

“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”
Steven Wright

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”
Steven Wright

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”
Steven Wright

“If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?”
Steven Wright

“So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal… The wings are knocking people over…”
Steven Wright

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
Steven Wright

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”
Steven Wright

“I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.”
Steven Wright

quotes from steven wright
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
Steven Wright Quotes

“A metaphor is like a simile.”
Steven Wright

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.”
Steven Wright

“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.”
Steven Wright

“When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”
Steven Wright

“What is the speed of dark?”
Steven Wright

“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”
Steven Wright

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”
Steven Wright

“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”
Steven Wright

“Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”
Steven Wright

“I’m writing a book. I’m almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.”
Steven Wright, Steven Wright Humor

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”
Steven Wright

“Everyone who believes in psychokinesis raise my hand.”
Steven Wright

“I went into a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.”
Steven Wright

quotes from steven wright
“Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”
Steven Wright

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
Steven Wright

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”
Steven Wright

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”
Steven Wright

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?”
Steven Wright Quotes

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”
Steven Wright

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ‘woman.”
Steven Wright

“If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”
Steven Wright

“When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?”
Steven Wright

“I had amnesia once or twice.”
Steven Wright

quotes from steven wright
“I’m so tired… I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”
Steven Wright

“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”
Steven Wright

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”
Steven Wright

“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”
Steven Wright

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Steven Wright

“If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”
Steven Wright

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
Steven Wright

“If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”
Steven Wright Quotes

“I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking,’ but I didn’t have that much time.”
Steven Wright

“How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?”
Steven Wright

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
Steven Wright

“I’m donating my body to science…fiction.”
Steven Wright

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
Steven Wright

“I’m actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.”
Steven Wright

quotes from steven wright
“Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?”
Steven Wright

“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”
Steven Wright

“You can’t have everything … where would you put it?”
Steven Wright

“Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I’m unfamiliar with… just to screw with my subconscious.”
Steven Wright

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it’s going to be up all night.”
Steven Wright

“Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”
Steven Wright Quotes

“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”
Steven Wright

“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.”
Steven Wright

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”
Steven Wright

“Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.”
Steven Wright

quotes from steven wright
“In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, ‘Cut it out.’”
Steven Wright

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”
Steven Wright

“Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’?”
Steven Wright

“You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time…”
Steven Wright

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”
Steven Wright

“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”
Steven Wright

“The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese.”
Steven Wright

“I’m a peripheral visionary.”
Steven Wright

“I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”
Steven Wright

“Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”
Steven Wright

“If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell.”
Steven Wright Quotes

“When i have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.”
Steven Wright

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
Steven Wright

“When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.”
Steven Wright

quotes from steven wright
“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
Steven Wright

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”
Steven Wright

“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”
Steven Wright

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, ‘If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”
Steven Wright

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”
Steven Wright

“Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘Up Over’?”
Steven Wright

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”
Steven Wright

“How do you get off a non-stop flight?”
Steven Wright Quotes

“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”
Steven Wright

“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”
Steven Wright

“I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.”
Steven Wright

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
Steven Wright, Steven Wright Humor

quotes from steven wright
“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”
Steven Wright

“What a nice night for an evening.”
Steven Wright

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake up letter.”
Steven Wright

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”
Steven Wright

“What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”
Steven Wright

“What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?”
Steven Wright

“If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”
Steven Wright Quotes

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”
Steven Wright

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
Steven Wright

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.”
Steven Wright

quotes from steven wright
“How young can you die of old age?”
Steven Wright

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”
Steven Wright

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
Steven Wright

“It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.”
Steven Wright

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
Steven Wright

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”
Steven Wright

“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”
Steven Wright

“You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.”
Steven Wright

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”
Steven Wright

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”
Steven Wright

“So I figured I’d leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn’t into meditating and she wasn’t really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.”
Steven Wright Quotes

“Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”
Steven Wright

“I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don’t know what that means.”
Steven Wright

quotes from steven wright
“I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”
Steven Wright

“Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”
Steven Wright

“I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.”
Steven Wright

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”
Steven Wright

“How can there be self-help groups?”
Steven Wright

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.”
Steven Wright

“Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!”
Steven Wright

“Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”
Steven Wright

“Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”
Steven Wright

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”
Steven Wright

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”
Steven Wright Quotes

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”
Steven Wright

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Google+
  • Linkedin
  • Pinterest

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

It is main inner container footer text