Following is humorous George Carlin quotes collection. Carlin was born on May 12, 1937. He was born in Manhattan, New York. He was a famous Stand Up comedian and Social critic who was famous for his dark comedy about different taboo subjects. He was placed seconds on the list of 50 best stand-up comics of all time by Rolling Stone Magazine.

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
George Carlin

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
George Carlin

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin

“I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn’t find an opening.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”
George Carlin

“The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“I’ll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it’s not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.”
George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty

george carlin quotes
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
George Carlin

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
George Carlin

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”
George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
George Carlin

“I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.”
George Carlin

“One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.”
George Carlin

“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.”
George Carlin Quotes

“We’re all fucked. It helps to remember this.”
George Carlin

“Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!”
George Carlin

george carlin quotes
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
George Carlin

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”
George Carlin

“Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
George Carlin

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
George Carlin

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
George Carlin

“The older you get, the better you realize you were.”
George Carlin

“Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.”
George Carlin Quotes

“With the proper training, I could’ve been an evil genius.”
George Carlin

“Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.”
George Carlin

“No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you’re screwed because it’s all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain’t in it.”
George Carlin

george carlin quotes
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin

“He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”
George Carlin

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
George Carlin

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
George Carlin

“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
George Carlin

“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”
George Carlin

“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”
George Carlin Quotes

“You can prick your finger … Just don’t finger your prick.”
George Carlin

“I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it’s not a movie. No, especially when it’s not a movie.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, ‘Oh great. I’d like to see some of the things he’s done.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

george carlin quotes
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
George Carlin

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
George Carlin

“I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.”
George Carlin

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty

“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
George Carlin Quotes

“I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”
George Carlin

“And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
George Carlin

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”
George Carlin

“She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Tits always look better in a pink sweater.”
George Carlin

george carlin quote
“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
George Carlin

“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
George Carlin Quotes

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”
George Carlin

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”
George Carlin

“Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.”
George Carlin

“Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.”
George Carlin

“Is there another word for synonym?”
George Carlin

“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”
George Carlin

“Sometimes a little brain damage can help.”
George Carlin

“The status quo sucks.”
George Carlin

“I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I’m expressing them.”
George Carlin Quotes

“It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren’t more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn’t it?”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“They don’t want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they’re getting fucked!”
George Carlin

george carlin quote
“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
George Carlin

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”
George Carlin

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
George Carlin

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
George Carlin

“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
George Carlin

“Life is tough, then you die.”
George Carlin

“I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Always do whatever’s next.”
George Carlin Quotes

“If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?”
George Carlin

“California is a small woman saying, ‘Fuck me.’ New York is a large man saying, ‘Fuck you!”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

george carlin quote
“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”.
George Carlin

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
George Carlin

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
George Carlin

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
George Carlin

“If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”
George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.”
George Carlin

“Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He’d say, “I’m goin’ upstairs to fuck your grandmother.” He was an honest man, and he wasn’t going to bullshit a four-year-old.”
George Carlin

“Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”
George Carlin Quotes

“Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.”
George Carlin

george carlin quote
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin

“A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.”
George Carlin

“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
George Carlin

“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”
George Carlin

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. ”
George Carlin, George Carlin Reads to You: An Audio Collection Including Recent Grammy Winners Braindroppings and Napalm & Silly Putty

“It’s all bullshit, folks and it’s bad for ya.”
George Carlin

“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”
George Carlin

“Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.”
George Carlin

“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
George Carlin

“If we could only find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.”
George Carlin Quotes

george carlin quote
“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.”
George Carlin

“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
George Carlin

“So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.”
George Carlin

“I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.”
George Carlin

“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”
George Carlin

“Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.”
George Carlin

“I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.”
George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.”
George Carlin Quotes

“I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

george carlin quote
“If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
George Carlin

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
George Carlin

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”
George Carlin

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”
George Carlin

“My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.”
George Carlin

“I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
George Carlin

“Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.”
George Carlin Quotes

george carlin quote
“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
George Carlin

“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.”
George Carlin

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”
George Carlin

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
George Carlin

“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”
George Carlin

“Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
George Carlin

“And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.”
George Carlin Quotes

“People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.”
George Carlin

george carlin quote
“It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”
George Carlin

“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?”
George Carlin

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
George Carlin

“People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”
George Carlin

“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”
George Carlin

“I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
George Carlin

“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”
George Carlin

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
George Carlin Quotes

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
George Carlin

george carlin quote
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?”
George Carlin

“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”
George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
George Carlin

“So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin Quotes

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
George Carlin

“Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”
George Carlin

“Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.”
George Carlin

“Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they ‘ought to be.’ And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there’s a solution, you’re part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”
George Carlin Quotes

george carlin quote
“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”
George Carlin

“I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”
George Carlin Quotes

“You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.”
George Carlin

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
George Carlin

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”
George Carlin

“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don’t confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything’s gonna be all right.”
George Carlin

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
George Carlin

“Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.”
George Carlin

“What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!”
George Carlin Quotes

“Twat is twat and that is that.”
George Carlin

“There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”
George Carlin

george carlin quote
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”
George Carlin Quotes

“Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn’t a skill… it’s a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn’t say I’m proud to be 5’11”; I’m proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.”
George Carlin

“Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.”
George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”
George Carlin

“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”
George Carlin

“Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”
George Carlin

“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”
George Carlin Quotes

“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
George Carlin

“Religion is just mind control.”
George Carlin

“Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”
George Carlin

SHARE

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here