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Quotes & Inspirational Sayings

150 Best Funny Quotes About Life and Love With Pictures


Funny quotes about life remind us that one should not take everything on heart. Remaining serious all the time can take a toll on your mental and physical health. Always remain calm. No matter what life throws towards you, do not lose your sense of humor. It is a vital part of survival and a secret to enjoy life to its fullest.

Loving life and loving other people is the key to a joyous life. Our first duty is to ourselves. If we cannot remain happy with our self, if we do not take care of ourselves then we cannot love and take care of others effectively.

To achieve all these remaining in good spirits in very necessary which only comes with a positive attitude. Here we have selected some funny quotes for our readers so that they don’t get lost in the hustle bustle of life.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
Oscar Wilde

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday

My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.
Elayne Boosler

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.
Ray Romano

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through.
Dave Chappelle

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.
Eddie Murphy

funny quotes

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.
Laurell K. Hamilton

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston S. Churchill

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
Albert Einstein

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Oscar Wilde

Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
Oscar Wilde

I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.
Eddie Murphy

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
Ellen DeGeneres

funny quotes

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Cathy Guisewite

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
Ellen DeGeneres

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Bill Murray

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Will Rogers

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.
Fran Lebowitz

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.
Woodrow Wyatt

The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is “Notice anything different?
Mike Vanatta

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
Ellen DeGeneres

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
Ellen DeGeneres – Funny Quotes

funny quotes

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
Will Rogers

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Chelsea Handler

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

A woman’s mind is cleaner that a man’s; She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

Be open to learning new lessons, even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday.
Ellen DeGeneres – Funny Quotes

Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are.
Ellen DeGeneres

funny quotes

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
George Bernard Shaw

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Steven Wright

It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.
Carrie Underwood

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
Nora Ephron

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid.
Dave Barry

Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof.
Harry Haenigsen

I think beauty comes from actually knowing who you are. That’s real beauty to me.
Ellen DeGeneres

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin – Funny Quotes

funny quote

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
Gore Vidal

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
Mark Twain

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
Golda Meir

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
Lane Olinghouse

I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing.
Jim Gaffigan

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle

When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go.
Mike Vanatta

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin – Funny Quotes

funny quote

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.
Mitch Hedberg

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
Bill Murray

I’m addicted to placebos.
Steven Wright

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw

Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.
Don Herold

America is a land where men govern, but women rule.
John Mason Brown

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George Carlin – Funny Quotes

funny quote

Sane is boring.
R.A. Salvatore

I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.
Pablo Picasso

Puns are the highest form of literature.
Alfred Hitchcock

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.
Henry Ford

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
Stanley Randall

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Kathy Lette

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
Molly McGee

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin – Funny Quotes

funny quote

All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain

What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
Spanish Proverb

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Mitch Hedberg

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
Oscar Wilde

Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.
Laura Swenson

A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.
Mae West

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin – Funny Quotes

funny quote

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
Brendan Francis

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.
Ethel Barrymore

If people never did silly things nothing intelligent would ever get done.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

We’re all fucked. It helps to remember that.
George Carlin

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
George Carlin – Funny Quotes

funny quote
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
Jack Benny

I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.
Danny Zuker

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers

“Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make.
Aparna Nancherla

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
Bill Watterson

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry Kissinger

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Edward de Bono

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.
Mark Twain

I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells.
Dr. Seuss

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx – Funny Quotes

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
Groucho Marx

funny quote

In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city.
Aparna Nancherla

Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
James A. Garfield

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.
Beth McCollister

When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble.
Mark Twain

The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can’t be learned at school.
Haruki Murakami

When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other.
Alan Alda

Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
Erma Bombeck

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.
G.K. Chesterton

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx – Funny Quotes

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

funny quote

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Rodney Dangerfield

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Abraham Lincoln

You’re only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz

Work hard, nap hard.
Demi Lovato

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.
Milton Berle – Funny Quotes

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.
George Bernard Shaw

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
James Thurber

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.
James Thurber

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. Groucho Marx

I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.
Groucho Marx

funny quote

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright – Funny Quotes

What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.
Steven Wright

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Will Durant

People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.
Bill Vaughan

Humor is a universal language.
Joel Goodman

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Steven Wright

People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.
Bill Murray

A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld – Funny Quotes

funny quote

Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.
Otto von Bismarck

It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves.
Franz Kafka

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time.
Wendy Mass

Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.
Greg Tamblyn – Funny Quotes

Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world – an assigned parking space.
Gene Perret

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

It’s hard to be an artist. It’s hard to be anything. It’s hard to be.
Bill Murray

It’s extremely powerful to say no; it’s really the most powerful thing to say.
Bill Murray

There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.
Chris Rock

I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.
Jim Carrey

I can tell you that the effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is.
Jim Carrey

funny quote

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman – Funny Quotes

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.
Linda Grayson

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.
George Santayana

The happier we get, the less we see.
Asian Kid

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
Bill Watterson

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.
Albert Einstein

In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.
Tom Bodett

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.
Abe Lemons

If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.
Chris Rock

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Chris Rock

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.
Chris Rock – Funny Quotes

They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug?
Dave Chappelle

The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
Jimmy Fallon

Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse.
Jimmy Fallon

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