Demetri Martin was born on May 25, 1973 in New York City, America. He is a comedian, actor, and musician. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being a contributor on The Daily Show, and his Comedy Central show “Important Things with Demetri Martin”. He is known for his wordplay, wit, deadpan comedy, and observational comedy. Here are some Demetri Martin quotes for the readers.


The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin

People only mention it’s a free country if they’re doing something shitty.
Demetri Martin

When people show me pictures of their kids, it’s okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I’m weird. What kind of one way street is that?
Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
Demetri Martin

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Demetri Martin

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin quotes
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
Demetri Martin

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn’t even make sense. It’s like saying, ‘I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over… and over… and over again.’
Demetri Martin

To remove all credibility from what you’re saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.
Demetri Martin

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
Demetri Martin

I think it’s cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
Demetri Martin

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.
Demetri Martin

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Demetri Martin Quotes

I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
Demetri Martin

Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin quotes
There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
Demetri Martin Quotes

Saying, ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying, ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.
Demetri Martin

I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
Demetri Martin

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin

The earth without art is just eh.
Demetri Martin

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
Demetri Martin

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Demetri Martin

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Demetri Martin

Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.
Demetri Martin

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, ‘Good for you.’
Demetri Martin Quotes

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.
Demetri Martin

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin quotes
Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.
Demetri Martin

It’s very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
Demetri Martin

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Demetri Martin

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It’s nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
Demetri Martin

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word “dictionary”, and it said “you’re an asshole”.
Demetri Martin Quotes

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous ’cause dogs don’t have arms. If you’re going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.
Demetri Martin

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Demetri Martin

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
Demetri Martin

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.
Demetri Martin

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Demetri Martin

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin quotes
I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
Demetri Martin

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!
Demetri Martin

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.
Demetri Martin Quotes

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
Demetri Martin

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.
Demetri Martin

Right before I’m about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.
Demetri Martin

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed.
Demetri Martin

My friend named his car. And I don’t want to be judgemental, but… what a dork.
Demetri Martin

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don’t go camping anymore.
Demetri Martin

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A’s.
Demetri Martin

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
Demetri Martin Quotes

funny Demetri martin quotes
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.
Demetri Martin

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
Demetri Martin

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, ‘Got it!’ And then I run away.
Demetri Martin

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.
Demetri Martin

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, ‘Actual’. I’m not to scale.
Demetri Martin

If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!
Demetri Martin Quotes

I’m so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That’s none of your business.
Demetri Martin

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
Demetri Martin

It turns out dentists don’t like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
Demetri Martin

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
Demetri Martin Quotes

I wanna design a video game where you’d have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin quotes
Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries… They Die.
Demetri Martin Quotes

One thing you never hear is “Man that guy is good at badminton”.
Demetri Martin

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
Demetri Martin

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.
Demetri Martin

A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy.
Demetri Martin

There’s a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, ‘Futon World.’ Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added “ish” to every number.
Demetri Martin

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
Demetri Martin

I like people, for a little while.
Demetri Martin

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.
Demetri Martin

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
Demetri Martin Quotes

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I’ve ever seen.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin jokes
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you’re vegan, you’re annoying.
Demetri Martin

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
Demetri Martin

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word ‘fortnight’.
Demetri Martin

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Demetri Martin

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.
Demetri Martin

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin Quotes

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing in front of me.
Demetri Martin

Whenever I try to spell ‘banana,’ I feel stupid because I don’t know when to end it.
Demetri Martin

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.
Demetri Martin

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
Demetri Martin

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
Demetri Martin

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin jokes
I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
Demetri Martin

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
Demetri Martin

I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade – especially if they’re crappy kids.’
Demetri Martin Quotes

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I’m really good at checkers. That’s the same thing as saying, I’m not good at very many things.
Demetri Martin

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
Demetri Martin

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like “Dude, you have abandonment issues.”
Demetri Martin

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It’s never: ‘What is that? *sniff* muffins!’
Demetri Martin

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk… becomes a double hawk.
Demetri Martin

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
Demetri Martin

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
Demetri Martin

I’m a body builder, but I don’t use weights. I use snacks. It’s kind of a different building process.
Demetri Martin

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn’t one of them.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin jokes
‘Dammit I’m mad’ is ‘Dammit I’m mad’ spelled backwards.
Demetri Martin Quotes

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Demetri Martin

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’
Demetri Martin

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.
Demetri Martin

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
Demetri Martin

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
Demetri Martin

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
Demetri Martin

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
Demetri Martin

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
Demetri Martin

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it’s ok to drop a turtle.
Demetri Martin Quotes

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin jokes
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that’s actually called a Queen.
Demetri Martin

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.
Demetri Martin Quotes

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.
Demetri Martin

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
Demetri Martin

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.
Demetri Martin

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’
Demetri Martin

A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.
Demetri Martin

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
Demetri Martin

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.
Demetri Martin

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
Demetri Martin

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.
Demetri Martin Quotes

I need to develop some patience – immediately.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin jokes
I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
Demetri Martin

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
Demetri Martin Quotes

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
Demetri Martin

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin

It’s weird the way “finger puppet” sounds okay as a noun… ladies.
Demetri Martin

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it’s okay.
Demetri Martin

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.
Demetri Martin Quotes

What’s this about rice milk? I didn’t even know rice had nipples!
Demetri Martin

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin

Once I started to look i finally began to see.
Demetri Martin

When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’
Demetri Martin

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin jokes
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
Demetri Martin

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.
Demetri Martin

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons.
Demetri Martin

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
Demetri Martin Quotes

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who’s weaker than you.
Demetri Martin

If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.
Demetri Martin

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
Demetri Martin

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don’t have a napkin.
Demetri Martin

A dream catcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
Demetri Martin

One thing I learned is that it’s never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy – even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin jokes
When I stub my toe it’s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
Demetri Martin

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’
Demetri Martin

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Demetri Martin

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
Demetri Martin Quotes

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
Demetri Martin

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
Demetri Martin

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
Demetri Martin

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.
Demetri Martin

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
Demetri Martin Quotes

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive.
Demetri Martin

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Demetri Martin

funny Demetri martin jokes
Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.
Demetri Martin Quotes

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can’t get out of a tempurpedic bed.
Demetri Martin

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
Demetri Martin

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.
Demetri Martin

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it’s God’s way of washing off hippies.
Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Demetri Martin

Most stick people are black.
Demetri Martin

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.
Demetri Martin

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I’m like, “Done, next!”
Demetri Martin

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
Demetri Martin

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri Martin

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
Demetri Martin Quotes

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
Demetri Martin

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
Demetri Martin

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
Demetri Martin

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!
Demetri Martin

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.
Demetri Martin

You never forget your first kiss. And that’s what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
Demetri Martin

SHARE

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here